Friday, March 29th, 2013
It's been 11 days now, and I'm still sick with a cold and painful sinus infection. Today, I am having issues. I'm struggling. I'm tired. Although my mind keeps telling me, "Get up and fight through this illness! You are a Warrior! You can do this!," I can feel the positiveness slipping away. My confidence has fallen into a deep sleep, and my energy has all but subsided into what feels like a cold, dark abyss- floating around, lost, unable to find it's way back.
I'm struggling. I'm questioning my success. I can almost taste the depression creeping back into my mind... working it's way up from my hungry, nauseated stomache just dying to reach my brain so it can once again pull me back into the lifeless bowels of hell with it's sickening, undefiable grip.
I'm having a battle with my "fight." My mind is battling to continue with my daily clean food and fitness regimine, yet my body is saying, "Screw off. I'm sick. Leave me alone." I keep talking to myself while resting in bed, telling myself, "This too shall pass... tomorrow I will wake up feeling brand new, full of energy, and ready to take on the world!" Yet, my depiction of the perfect "tomorrow" has not yet arrived.
Am I fooling my self? Can I really do this? You know, my whole weightloss & goal "thing". My dreams and wants to be fit and fabulous... will my body and the damage that I've done to it allow me to ever reach my weightloss goal? Will I ever truely be happy with myself, or am I just living in a fantasy world of believing that I, too, can grace the cover and/or pages of Oxygen Magazine? Do I have what it takes to be a real "Success Story" for Tosca Reno and The Eat-Clean Diet? Or is this all just a facade in my head, giving me false hope? I believe I am also battling "Believing" in my self. Do you battle belief at times, too?
I'm having a love/hate battle with my weights, as well. I haven't been able to perform any cardio since becoming ill, but I have tried without success for the past 3 days to just lift... even if just a little bit. 8 pounds; 5 pounds; 3 pounds. I'm just not into it. It's provoking a migraine everytime I try. I have no enjoyment or satisfaction in lifting right now. I sit on my weight bench, staring at myself in the mirror, with no energy, no ambition, and no recollection of my goals or where I was at progress-wise before I became ill last week.
I'm having a horrific battle with cravings right now. It's not "PMS," or anything of that nature. I am hungry. All of the time. Yet I can taste nothing. And the food that I can taste, does not taste "right." I can attribute that to my sinus infection. Still, I am hungry, unsatisfied with anything that I put into my mouth. I have no desire to eat food, or even anything clean for that matter. I ate an entire pack of Ritz Crackers yesterday. It's the only thing that has tasted good to me in 11 days. And I don't care that I ate them.
I'm having a passionate battle with temptation this week, as well as cravings. These two battles go hand in hand, yet completely intensify the process times a million! Cravings are one thing... I know how to get past a craving. But to also have temptation nagging at your mind every time you see a commercial, or advertised in a magazine, is just pathetic! I have been so tempted lately to eat cupcakes, cake, donuts, cookies, lemon bars, muffins, all white and refined baked goods.
As many of you may know, my addiction is to "numb" my feelings, whether negative or positive emotions, with food. Overeating refined food. Going on food binges. Food binging donuts used to be my drug of choice. It's the same thing as a junkie sticking a needle in their arm for their next high/fix. I cannot succumb to temptation... It will draw me right back into the life threatening cycle of food addiction. I have my 2 year donutversary coming up here very shortly, in April, as a matter of fact. My binge food drug of choice are vanilla cake donuts with the pretty pastel sprinkles on top. I haven't had one in almost 2 years. I am proud of myself. I am proud of my progress. I hold on to my "sobriety" by remembering where a dozen donuts will put me... it will put me right back into addiction mode.
I am battling with my energy level. It's pretty much non-existant right now. I pray to God every day to please provide me energy to make a speedy and full recovery. I have been a good patient and stayed in bed, resting, and staying hydrated. I really am trying to heal myself and allow my healing to happen in God's precious time. But it's hard to remain stagnant when you have so much that you want to do with your life. Maybe God is still working with me on my "patience," which is what I last blogged about here. Patience. It truely is a virtue. I know I have alot to learn and practice with in this particular department.
I'm battling motivation like crazy... I simply have NONE. I keep talking to myself, telling my body to just get up and do it. Yet my body does not respond. Oh, my head is responding lots! My mind has a lot to say. My body is being very stuborn and doesn't seem to want to comply.
I hate feeling "helpless" and dependant on others. I like to do things myself. That's not working out very well for me right now. So I'll just have to follow the advice of NIKE, and just "do it," even if I suck at it right now. Just keep moving. One day at a time, keep moving, one foot in the right direction, without ceasing.
I'm battling with negative thoughts of "lack of progress" while I am layed up in bed. All I can think of (other then cupcakes and donuts) is the amount of time that I have lost while sick, and all of the workouts I have missed out on due to illness and fatigue.
I feel like all of my progress has now back-slid into a big hole, and I have to start all over again. I feel like a lot of time has been wasted being in bed. My muscles no longer feel toned, and I haven't felt that much anticipated muscle "burn" in what seems like weeks.
Yes, I'm battling with staying positive, and staying focused. This is not normal for me. I am one of the most positive people that I know. I have been positive in the sense that I am still pushing forward, and doing whatever I can, with what I have at the moment, which isn't much.
But I'm still going. I'm still pushing, I'm still trying to figure out ways to get back on track even though I physically can't do much of anything right now. At least I haven't just lied down and completely given up!
I am battling with both physical and mental fatigue/burnout. Yes, I know what that means. It means that it's time for this girl to take a vacation. Or a "staycation," or what ever you would call vacationing without actually leaving your home. It's time to rejuvenate, re-evaluate, re-energize, and re-charge my body, mind, and spirit. So with that thought, I will leave you with this: I promise to take time for healing, positive thoughts, scripture, and rest... on the beach! Hurray for my beloved beach!
If you are going through, or ever begin to feel like you might be going through battles such as mine, please take some time for YOU. Take a vacation, take a rest... from the world! Turn off your cell phone, computer, and your "business-oriented" mind before you burn yourself out, and never find your way back. It's happened to me before, and I will never allow all of this negativity to take over my life again.
That being said, Happy Easter Weekend! Have a blessed holiday with your family and loved ones. Take some time for just YOU. Even if it's just an hour out of your day. Do something to relax, keep a positive outlook on things, and to just enjoy your surroundings. God put this beautiful life in our hands for us to enjoy... not have a nervous breakdown over things we cannot change. ;)
The Kaptain
XOXOXOXO
It's Easter Sunday. 
