I'ts been a while.
The past two months have been very trying for me. I’ve been on a journey of self-exploration, goal evaluation, and questioning my mere calling in life, all while traveling a path of total resistance. I seem to have been crippled by the disappearance of Tosca Reno and RKP.
Up until this past June, my life had revolved around The Eat-Clean Diet as well as my Ambassador duties for Tosca and her amazing team. There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t eat, breath, or speak of The Eat-Clean Diet. Some of my happiest days occurred when I would open my mail box, and the newest editions of Oxygen and Clean Eating Magazines would fall into my hands.
Each and every morning, I would awake to the pretty much the same routine: drinking my lemon water, eating a pre-workout meal of a complex carb and protein, spending about an hour lifting weights and getting my cardio-on, and checking in with the Kitchen Table on The Eat-Clean Diet Website while drinking my post-workout recovery smoothie. I would check FB for Tosca’s blog post announcements, check Twitter for Tosca’s educational tweets, and write some form of inspirational post or new recipe for The Kitchen Table, Facebook, my personal Blog, or my website.
That has all changed now. Robert Kennedy Publishing is gone. Tosca is taking a much needed sabbatical. The Eat-Clean Diet Team is quiet. There is not much activity over on their website. Tosca’s daily inspirational posts and pep talks are a thing of the past, yet I watch closely for her blog notifications, hoping and praying to see her back on the ECD any day now.
It’s been nearly two months. My role model has taken a long and much needed break from social networking, and is trying to put her life back together. I understand that. I fully support her. I pray for her daily. I miss her. I miss The ECD. I miss having direction and a sense of purpose every day. I haven’t done so well on my own, with Tosca being absent. It has led me to question many things in my life.
I’ve been told that I inspire many people daily. I’ve been told that I am a terrific motivator, encourager, teacher, and advisor to many. I’ve been thanked by many people for helping them through rough times, and helping to either keep them on track, or to get them back on track after a slip-up. I’ve been told that I am such a giving and caring person, and that I have a lot to offer people. I have been told that I am a strong and inspirational woman. I’ve been told that I am organized, motivated, and focused.
Then why is it that I can’t seem to keep or stay motivated daily without Tosca? Why do I not possess the strength to pick my self up and carry on? How can it be that I have lost the motivation and focus to continue achieving my goals every day? How can I not give to myself the very things that I am known to give others? Why am I having trouble encouraging myself to go forward? Why am I questioning my dreams, my goals, my wants, and my purpose? Why has the closure of RKP set me so far back from where I was two months ago? Why do I feel such a huge loss in my life? Why do I FEEL lost every day?
Perhaps I had taken my identity and put it into The Eat-Clean Diet. Perhaps I believed that The Eat-Clean Diet defined me. Perhaps I focused too much on The Eat-Clean Diet, and not enough on my personal thoughts, goals, wants, needs, and purpose in life? Perhaps I became so reliant on The Eat-Clean Diet to get me through each day, that I lost sight of who I am without it. Perhaps these last two months were meant for me to personally take a step back and re-evaluate my life.
That’s exactly what I have been doing: evaluating, pondering and wandering, dreaming, questioning, re-prioritizing, avoiding, thinking, confronting, and working on myself. I have continued to eat clean, lift weights, and get in my daily cardio. But it has been forced, and not embraced. I have taken two vacations since June, and I still do not feel rested. There have been outside trials and tribulations, endless family issues, visitors, and major life changes to face. Normally, I can handle life stressors. However, take my daily inspiration away from me, and apparently I fall apart.
I can’t blame Tosca for that! If anything, I thank her. Tosca’s absence has impacted me in a way that I never thought possible. It caused me to face realities that I had no idea were even present. Tosca’s absence has forced me to confront the reality that I have put my own identity in someone else’s hands. I thought that I had my future all figured out, that I knew who I was, and that I finally had figured out what my purpose in life was.
It took a life-changing catastrophe for someone else to open my own eyes about myself. Tosca’s bankruptcy inadvertently became my personal bankruptcy. I, too, became (emotionally) bankrupt because I had unknowingly and unintentionally placed my purpose and identity in someone else’s hands.
I will always be an Ambassador for Tosca Reno and The Eat-Clean Diet. I thank Tosca for giving me my life back. She has taught me so much about food, health, my body, my mind, and the acceptance of my body no matter where I am at in my weight loss. She has been such an inspiration to me for so long. I had become dependant on her to get through each day. Here I thought I was such a strong woman, but all along, I was relying on Tosca to provide my strength for me.
Tosca is not responsible for me. Nor is she responsible for my journey, my goals, or my success. Neither are RKP, Oxygen Magazine, Clean Eating Magazine, or The Eat-Clean Diet. They do not “define” me. Only I can choose how my success is defined. I can only be “myself.” I must learn to rely on myself for encouragement, motivation, and success. I am so much more then my weight. I am so much more then a goal. I am so much more then a dream. I am so much more then a program, or a success story, or a writer and editor.
I am a woman of God. I am a Mom. I am a Grandma. These life roles are what truly define me. Without these three roles, I am nothing. I am so blessed that God has taken this opportunity to open my eyes and guide me down the path I am supposed to be on. I no longer feel lost. I feel calm now. I feel peaceful. I am ready to continue with my journey.
I will be here for Tosca when she is ready to return. I will be able to give so much more of myself in a healthier way, now that I know where my true value lies and what my role in life consists of. I can’t wait to see what the future holds. I have a shiny new perspective and am slowly getting my motivation back. I am taking care of myself, and I am dreaming new dreams and setting new goals.
So much has changed over the past couple of months. It’s been a scary ride, but today, I am grateful for the travels. I encountered many forks in the road, but I believe I am on the right path again. I am going to sleep with a smile on my face tonight, and for the first time in a long, long while, I am actually excited to wake up tomorrow morning, and work out in my own home gym. Tosca is still not fluently active on social networks yet, but she is present. And that is enough for me. I’m still praying for her, and awaiting her return to The Eat-Clean Diet. Until then, I am good with my life.
As Always,
Eat Clean, Train Mean, and LIVE LEAN!
~Kymberly “Kaptain” Morgan
