Warrior Down....

Wednesday, January 2nd, 2013

Yesterday was a phenominal day for me. Today, not so much.  Personal issues got the best of me, and I cracked.  It takes alot to crack me emotionally... but today was the day that I could not continue with a smile on my face any longer.  There was no Warrior Workout today. No, my lower body exercises never got done. Nope, didn't do cardio either.  And my clean eating meal plan for today? Pffffff... out the window.

In all fairness to me, my day did not start out so bad.  I woke up grumpy and sore, from yesterday's upper body workout.  My lower back hurt, and I could barely lift anything up.  No, I'm not injured, if that's what you're pondering... just sore.  A good kind of sore that you have a love/hate relationship with when you lift weights.  None-the-less, I did get a few things done early this morning, and I stuck to my meal plan until about 2 hours ago.  That's when my day just sort of fell apart.

I had an issue today that I allowed to get the better of me.  My frustrations and emotions have been building up, yet quietly masqueraded for quite some time now.  Today, I finally exploded at the situation, and I lost all common sense and control.  The good news is, that I did not run to Yum Yum Donuts and binge eat on all of those pretty vanilla donuts with the colorful pastel sprinkles on top. 

The bad new is, that Jack-in-the-Crap won.  Why the hell I would end up driving around to clear my head and end up in a Jack-in-the-box drive through window is far beyond my understanding. I do know that I hate Jack-in-the-crap, I hate fast food, I preach the Eat-Clean lifestyle, and I am currently in WARRIOR MODE to lose 80 pounds.

What the hell happened to me today?  First off, don't get your panties in too big of a bunch with me~  I am a human being, after all.  And although this is only day 2 of the new year, this is far from being the beginning of my weightloss journey.  I did start this journey over 3 years ago, and I have made many slip ups and mistakes.  Today is no different. I am an Over Eater. I have a disease, an addiction, and today just proved and confirmed to me that when I get too comfortable with thinking I do not need to stick with my Overeaters Anonymous program after going without binging for long periods of time, THIS is what happens.  It's been over a year since I have done something like this, I believe. Hey, at least I'm getting it over with at the BEGINING of the year.

All jokes aside, this is pretty serious for me.  Here is the definition of  the word“Binge”:  1) Unrestrained activity. 2) To indulge without restraint. (Webster’s New Compact Office Dictionary, 2003).

Although I did not indulge in food without restraint, meaning to 'overeat food without the ability to stop yourself'  (which I've done plenty of times throughout my life), I DID partake in unrestrained activity. I simply could not restrain myself from eating fast food. I purchased 2 Tacos, 1 value fry, and one value drink, which totalled $3.24 all together.  The tacos were nasty and skimpy, there was barely a handful of fries, and I drank Sprite, which is something I quit drinking 2 years ago.  Yes, I ate foods that I used to love to binge on, in extreme.  But today, I was "content" just eating this small amount. It was sort of wierd, really.

I new I should not be eating the greasy, fake, poisonous fast food. I knew I should not drink the sugar laden Sprite.  I was aware of what I was doing, and I continued to eat the garbage.  But when I was full, I was FULL. Done. I did not want any more. I did not have any more. I don't think I've ever done that before during a "binge" moment.  I had parital-control over my binge. I am an emotional eater, and I got fat by binge eating after my daughter passed away almost 11 years ago. I eat to numb my pain, my feelings, and to take away the reality that I hate so much.

I did the same thing today, really.  I ran away from my problems, and I lost control temporarily. I ate for emotional reasons, but I stopped eating for reasons of growth, knowledge, and love for myself and my journey to better my life. Today taught me two things that sort of contradict each other~ First, it taught me that I HAVE learned alot over the past 3 years.  I have applied the Eat-Clean lifestyle to my health and fitness goals, and I do know the right way to take care of myself now. And Overeaters Anonymous has taught me to recognize acknowledge, and stop bad eating behaviors. Second, today taught me that no matter how much knowledge I have, I will never be "curred" of my eating disorder, and I will always need to have a good Overeaters Anonymous program in my life, including and most importantly, my faith and relationship with God through Jesus Christ.

I have alot of people counting on me right now.  My personal weightloss journey is counting on me. My children and Grandchildren are counting on me. My family and friends are counting on me. My Dobies are counting on me (my other babies! Love them!). My health and wellbeing is counting on me. My Eat-Clean Diet Community is counting on me. My ECD Warrior Sisters on Facebook are counting on me. My personal Trainer Sj is counting on me. My daughter up in Heaven is counting on me. God is counting on me.  That is ALOT of people and situations that are counting on me to stand up, take today back, and get my ass back on track.

It's 5:22pm California time as I finish this blog post.  I still have a clean dinner to cook.  I still have a "COMMIT TO BE FIT" Challenge Group to guide and author in.  I still have to get my lower body workout in. I still need to get my Cardio in. I still need to set new goals in order to get me to a happier place in my life.  I have a lot to do this evening. I better get cracking.

~The Kaptain