What a horible week this has been. That's the only way I know how to put it. My sanity has been tested, my faith has been tested, my willpower has been tested, my positivity about life has been tested. My dreams and goals have been tested. My clean eating journey has had it's temptations tested, and my fitness journey has been tested. The strength of my family has been tested, and my personal strength has been tested.
Some of the tests that were thrown upon me this week I remained strong through; others, I did not.
The phone calls of bad news were constant. I am still amazed at how many problems and issues were thrown upon my family and I this past week, coming at us from a variety of angles. It was literally one horrible phone call after another. Different people, different situations, different needs. As soon as I would find out about one horrible thing, the phone would ring, and I'd find out something else horrible from a completely different person. And it all affected my family, in one way or another.
Monday was a rough day with my daughter and her pregnancy issues, which had us back at the hospital. By Monday night, I was feeling so much better by the time I went to bed, and I was exhausted. It's amazing how much "mental stress" takes out of us. I promised my self that Tuesday would be a great day, and I wouldn't allow anything to get me down or interupt my weightloss journey.
Tuesday came. And it started out good... but it was short lived. The first time my phone rang, I did not want to answer it. But I knew I had to. Yep... another round of bad news. Then my husband came in, and informed me of some really bad news, pertaining to his family in Hawaii, and I just sat there and stared at him with a crazy look in my eyes, and a confused look on my face. It was at this point that I knew satan was for sure SCREWING WITH ME.
The bad news didn't stop there. It went on all week, literally, up until Friday night. Had it been one or two incidents, or maybe even three, I would have been able to handle it. But mentally, I just couldn't deal with it. The good new is, that I did NOT go get my favorite binge food and binge out on it. The bad news is, that I did cave to junk food. The SAD news is that I didn't even care. I didn't even feel bad after I ate it. I ate it out of stress, and not wanting to deal with cooking in my kitchen. I didn't get my bulk cooking done Monday, due to being at the hospital with my daughter. So on Tuesday, when more bad news kept rolling in, I was not prepared. In any way, shape, or form.
I ate fast food all week. For me, I was so stressed out, that I literally stopped making good choices. I made the most convenient choices that I could... quick, easy, and the more grease, the better.... let me numb my feelings with dirty food so that it can eleviate some of my stress. Yep, that's right... I resorted to emotional eating again. It's been almost 2 years since I had done that. Yet I do not feel like a failure. I'm not even mad at myself. I did it, it's over, I know I have alot more to work on with my Overeaters Anonymous program. I haven't gone to meetings in quite a while, because I felt like I had this emotional eating disorder under control... 2 years, clean eating, no binging.... I MUST be healed!
WRONG.
I see and feel my mistakes this past week, and that's just what they are: MISTAKES. I went off course, and as soon as I recognized it Friday night, I put myself back on track first thing Saturday morning (I will be blogging about Saturday next) by prepping and bulk cooking and taking the necessary steps to get back on track mentally.
I had forgotten that I could give all of my family's problems and stress to God, and allow Him to deal with them and work them out for the good of it all. I am a hands-on woman who always takes everyones issues by the seat of the pants and tries to make everything better for everyone. That did not work this time. I forgot to remember that He is everything, and I am nothing... I can't fix everything. But I surely can give it all to Him to work out how He sees fit. And Saturday morning, I had a heart to heart conversation with the good Lord above, and I gave it ALL to Him.
Myth: I can handle things on my own. FACT: I need the love and support of God to get through all things inn life. Myth: I am curred of my eating disorder because I went 2 years without a binge. FACT: I will NEVER be curred. I AM A FOOD ADDICT. Myth: I can stop going to meetings for my eating disorder when I learn to stop binging again. FACT: I need to go to meeting for the rest of my life. Myth: I can take a few days off from exercise and clean eating in order to get through stressful situations, because as soon as they are over, I can get back on track. FACT: I can take NO days off of my journey. 4 days off is 4 days gone, lost, time that I can never get back. Myth: I can handle things on my own. FACT: I can handle nothing on my own free will. I need help, and the only way I can get the help I need is to have faith in, and rely on God to walk me through my journey, both positive and negative roads. I need help with my eating disorder, and I must participate in group efforts and teachings on a weekly basis.
No looking back. No guilt. No excuses. No beating my self up. No negativity.
I am back on track, and I intend to stay here. Now, bring on the weekend, and please Lord, I pray to you... PLEASE LET IT BE BLESSED AND EVENT-FREE!
Thank you so much Audra! Hugs right back attcha, girl! =)
ReplyDelete