Monday, October 15th, 2013:
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
Ten and a half years. That's how long I've been mourning. Mourning the loss of my beautiful daughter, Breanna Ray, and all that was taken from me on that first day of spring in March of 2002.
They say that "time heals all wounds." I know this to be untrue. Nothing heals the loss of a child, nor does anything prepare you for it.
March 20, 2002 was the end of life as I knew it. Nothing would ever be the same. I would never be the same. My children would never be the same. Our family unit was broken, and would continue to crack, crumble, and fall apart over the next few years. I never blamed God for bringing her back home to be safe and handicapped-free. I never blamed Him for reaching out to her with his unconditional love, embracing her in her time of pain and suffering. I never blamed Him for taking her. I just did not understand why.
Shortly after my daughter's funeral, I fell into a deap depression. I was a mess from the moment she died, but I had to be strong, and plan her funeral. I had to make sure that everything was perfect, to honor her life, and all of the people who played a part in her life until she left us. Breanna had a severe disability called Cerebral Palsey. It is what ulimately took her precious little life. I needed to make her funeral a day of love, memories, laughs, and gratefullness~ I wanted to show her how grateful that I was that she picked me to give her life, and to be her mommy.
The service was beautiful, but nothing prepared me for the days to follow. This was a time of disbelief, terrible grief, sadness, and pain. I now know what a broken heart feels like. It is different then when a relationship falls apart, and you are sad to not be with that person any more. This is a pain like none I have ever felt, and would not wish on anyone. This is a pain that I will never forget. It's a pain that I don't think I could live through again. This pain, this heartbreak that I was feeling, was too powerful for me to overcome. No one could help me, and I really don't remember too many people trying to, or even caring enough to help. After Breanna's funeral, people stopped calling, and went their sepparate ways. They had busy lives to get back to, but mine just seemed to sit still.
Stagnant. Day in, and day out. I could not get out of bed. I could not take a shower. I could not function. I could not physically take care of my other two children, who really needed me the most at that time in their lives. I felt like I had died. Spiritually, I did die. Emotionaly, I was gone. Physically, I was just a blob, laying in bed. I was in pain, and I was a mess. From that moment on, I would never be the same. Nothing in my life would ever be the same.
Over the course of the past 10 years, I turned to food and over-eating to soothe my anxiety and numb my pain & my feelings. I could not muster up enough energy to cook, so I would constantly buy fast food... for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I was an Armed Security Officer, working with off-duty Police and their Gang Unit when my daughter passed away. Due to my depression and lack of good judgement from being depressed all the time, I had to give up my job. I just could not motivate myself to work, or to remain focused. I had already been rejected at the Police Academy due to an injury before my daughter passed away, so I just became even more depressed and decided that I no longer had the passion to become a Police Officer.
I found a retail position as an Inventory Manager, that had great hours, so I could be home with my children at night. The pay wasn't great, but we survivied. Slowly I began to laugh again, but it would always end up being false hope... I just could not remain happy due to my constant thoughts of my daughter, and how I could have done things differently with her. I felt guilty for her dying. I felt guilty about not knowing if she suffered all night before she passed. I felt like a horrible mom. I missed her so much. I just wanted her back. I always thought to myself,
I'd give ANYTHING to have her back. ANYTHING.
Through the next few years, I would find myself on a complete downward spiral. I gained 100+ pounds from eating fast food and the complete sessation of exercise. I used to lift weights. I used to be a size 4 at 135 pounds. I only stand 5 foot 3. It was all muscle though. It wasn't until I started to see pictures of myself that other family members had taken during holidays and get-to-gethers that I realized what I looked like. To me, I still looked like I did before Breanna passed away. To everyone else, they saw an unfit, unhealthy, unhappy obese woman who was slowly killing herself and aging quickly.
I remember looking through some pictures at my brother's house, and asking my mom, "Who is that fat chick with the red shirt on, holding Breanna? I don't remember seeing her there?" This was taken at my brothers 4th of July party several years ago. My mom looked at me and relied, "Kym, that's YOU."
Shock. Disbelief. Horror. Embarassment. Disappointment. Disgust. This was all I could feel at that moment. There was no excuse how large and unhealthy I had become. I was slowly dying, from the inside out. And the outside was starting to show deterioration at a very rapid rate. I remember looking in the mirror and thinking, "I should not have all of these wrinkles and a double chin at my age!!!" I was 40 years old then. Today, I am 43. I WILL BE FIT AND HARDCORE BY AGE 44.
Shortly after that epiphany, I went into my local Borders Books store to look at workout and diet books. I hate that word "diet" now, but back then, it's what I thought I needed. I had always dieted... I've tried every diet out there, just like alot of people have...without any long term success. I came across The Biggest Loser fitness books, and of course the notorious Jillian Michaels books. I also came across a cook book that fascinated me by it's title: "The Eat Clean Diet Cookbook" by a beautiful lady named Tosca Reno. I had never heard of her before, so surely, this had to be another "fad diet"or gimick. I put the book back down, and stuck to the names that I knew.
I kept wondering around the bookstore- don't you just love a good bookstore? Anyways, I kept wondering around and I'd always come back to the same place... the shelf where I put Tosca's cookbook back on. Something about that book just called to me. "Eat Clean." It sounded so simple. It sounded so fresh and earthy. I could eat clean? After all, God created our bodies to be fueled by clean foods grown in nature, right?
I literally had 10 minutes left before I had to head home. I grabbed Tosca's book, and purchased it. I figured I could read it over and look through it at home, and if it wasn't something I was interested in, I could just return it in the morning and get the other books that I was more familiar with. I read Tosca's cook book, and before the night was over, I had decided to go back to the bookstore the following morning~ but not to return the book, but to purchase "The Eat-Clean Diet" book! I finally found like I found a lifestyle that I could live, without feeling deprived, and without eating some funky type of food combo that I would just end up getting burnt out on.
I ended up being directed to Tosca's newest ECD book called "Re-charged," and was thrilled that I could purchase it. I think the ECD book was revised in 2009, and I got it just in time to start my ECD journey. Every time I would finish one of Tosca's books, I would purchase another one. I taught my self, with Tosca's guidance and that of her ECD Team, all I needed to know to get me started with eating clean. I joined her Kitchen Table community over at The Eat-Clean Diet.com website and started to make several new online buddies that have gone through similar situations and struggles as myself. The ECD/KT is the biggest supportgroup that I have ever found. Today, we all call ourselves "Eat-Clean Diet Warriors" because that's what we are. We warrior on for our health, and to help others through their struggles.
My first year of eating clean was amazing. I learned that I had an eating disorder, and that I am an overeater. I found Overeater's Anonymous and worked through the steps of healing from my disorder. I chose Tosca's ECD as my choice for food and diet, and I followed both programs ritually. My first year of eating clean was all about assessment of emotions and the connection to food. My food binge drug of choice was vanilla cake donuts with the pretty pastel sprinkles on top. I later discovered, while writing an inventory of my life, that my great-grandmother, who I loved very dearly, would take me a couple of blocks down the street from her house and buy me a vanilla cake donut with prety pastel sprinkles on top every time I visited her as a child. I loved my great-grandma, and I loved spending time with her. I was so sad when she died. Devastated. Hence, the pretty sprinkled donuts come into play.
My second year of clean eating, which is this year, I focused more around fitness and competing in the 4th Annual Eat-Clean Diet Makeover Challenge. And boy, what a year it was! I was derailed with a respiratory infection, pneumonia, and a severely damaged right knee... TWICE earlier this year! But I kept on going. I found ways to still take care of my body, even though I could no longer workout. I decided to focus on recipe creations and re-makes. When I had to be in bed for days at a time with my knee injury, I brought all of my Oxygen and Clean Eating magazines in there with me, along with Tosca's books. I'd read Chef Jo Lusted's recipes and write them down. I read, re-read, hilighted, tabbed, and researched over and over again. I learned recipe formulations for clean baking and sugar substitutions. I did alot of internet research and writing. I found other ways to stay in the competition without just giving up. You have 3 choices when you are down: You can give in, give up, or give it your all. Right???
I decided that, while realizing I was not going to win the 4th Annual Makeover Challenge, that I would start entering baking and cooking challenges. The ironic thing is, the first week I started looking into contests to enter, The Eat-Clean Diet came out with their "Creation Station" Recipe Remake Challenge. To enter, you had to pick an ECD recipe and re-make it yourself. I re-made Tosca's Zuchini Muffins, and I WON THE CONTEST!!!! I was so thrilled! I won 2 signed copies of Tosca's books, "The Eat Clean Diet Cookbook 2" and her newest book, her Vegetarian Cookbook. I received them with a personal message from Tosca handwritten inside.
Tosca knows that she is my idol and my mentor. She knows who Kaptain Morgan is. The Eat-Clean Diet Team knows how much I love all of them and how great they are. They all know. Can you imagine how completly stoked I was to receive signed books by TOSCA??? I wouldn't trade this win for the world. No, I did not win the 4th Annual Makeover Challenge, but I won something greater: I won the title of an ECD WARRIOR. I refuse to give up, and no one can stop me.
I have new goals for the last 2 months of 2012, and an organized brand new set of goals for 2013. My knee is better. My spirit is great. I am a clean eater 99% of the time. I am accomplishing my dreams and my goals. I have a personal trainer now who is the best in the world... okay, I know Rita is pretty much the queen of trainers right now... AND A BIG SHOUT OUT & CONGRATS TO OUR CHAMP, TOSCA RENO!!! But, the world will get to know Sj Nieusma. They will see what she is capable of, through training me. And you will all see what I am capable of, every day that I continue on with this journey.
My main goal is to lose 80 to 100 pounds by my birthday of 2013, which is August 6th. I cannot put a deffinate number on it, because I don't know how I will look when I reach my 80 pound begining goal: 100 pounds might be to much for my body to handle losing... we'll see how it looks through clean eating and weight training closer to my birthday. Today is the day it begins. I've had a 2 year journey with the Eat Clean Diet to date... and it's time now to focus on FITNESS. I'm ready for this. I can feel it like I never have before. It's time.
BABY STEPS: I didn't magically become 100 pounds obese overnight. No excuses. One day at a time, one meal at a time, one workout at a time, one positive though at a time.
PATIENCE: It will take many, many months of blood, sweat, tears, dedication, hardwork, focus, and perseverence to shed this weight. I take full accountability for my current weight. It's not going to vanish overnight. There are no "magic pills," although I hear that "Magic Mike" was pretty good....
ASSESSMENT: My assessment has been completed. My pictures, my stats, my eating disorder, migraines, previous injuries, depression, anxiety, cravings, PMS, and chronic illnesses. They will no longer be excused reasons as to why I did not succeed. I have a game plan for each and every one of these setbacks that may creep into my training. I am prepared this time. I will work around anything that throws intself in my way.
GOALS: Long term, short term, weekly~ Goals have been created, dreams have been envisioned and written out. Success is to follow.
GAME PLAN: Game plan has been created, and I have a personal trainer. I know what I have to do daily, nightly, weekly, monthly, and for the rest of my life. It's on.
TIME TO EXECUTE: Today's the day. I am re-born. I am a Sister in Iron, I am the Iron Pirate. Together, with Sj Niesma, I will work diligently, without fail, to implement my game plan and stay dedicated to every detail of my plan and goals. It's time for ME to take my life back, and to be the person that God really meant for me to be.
I am so happy to have all of my family and friends traveling this journey with me. I promise, most of my daily blog posts will not be anything near this long. Happy Monday everyone! Thank you for all of your encouragement and support. Please, do not turn into a "weed" in my life while I am traveling through my journey... I will have to exterminate you if you do, and I don't want to have to exterminate anyone! Don't be a weed! Be a supporter and encourager!!!
~Kaptain Kymberly Morgan XOXOXO
