Day 1: 5K Training (& Focus) Begins!

Monday, June 30th, 2014

Good morning, and happy Monday, my Blogee's!

In my last blog post, I wrote about committing to an upcoming 5K run/walk in my daughter's honor & memory.  Today begins my training routine.  For the next few months, I will be eating, drinking, walking, jogging, running, talking, studying, practicing, living, & blogging my 5K lifestyle!

I made this commitment for two reasons:  1)  To honor the life and memory of my daughter, and 2)  To make a commitment to get back on track and work seriously and diligently on my 100 pound weight loss efforts.  Sometimes, we need to set goals and commitments in order to get serious about a thought that we would like to bring to life.  This 5K is perfect for me, and is very do-able with the current health issues that I have.  With lot's of past reflection, I have thought long and hard about the goals and focus needed in order to complete this phase of my newest journey.

My number one focus and concern is safety; remember my knee injuries from a couple of years ago (Pictured: May 24th, 2012)?  Yeah, I still have knee problems.  And I will, for the rest of my life, due to the severity of the injury.  A 200+ pound body falling down on one knee, 2 times in a year-long period, is not a good thing.  That being said, protecting my knee from further injury is key.  I have ace wraps to start my training with, and I will be fitted for a new knee brace soon... this will assist with stability, strengthening, and injury prevention.

My number two focus is motivation.  I must keep up my motivation to finish this out.  Posting here on my blog forum is a way for me to document and share my daily training, food intake, progress, & even regression... whatever I am experiencing through this training... is important to discuss and keep track of.  Being able to look back at my progress is imperative to my continued motivation & future success.  Sharing it with all of you is an added benefit!  I encourage each and every one of you (currently, my 8 followers.... Lol!!!)  to commit to something this summer, whether it's a 5K, 10K, new fitness program, clean eating, weight training, a walking program with a buddy, etc. 

Focus number three is my actual plan:  I have reset my SHealth phone app to be in sync with my current goals and targets.  I've got my pedometer set for 3.1 mile walks (the equivalent of 5 kilometers) as well as a set heart-rate.  My BMR is pre-set, and I'm taking my daily calories down a notch to incorporate calorie burning from my walks, jogs, and weight training sessions.  My SHealth food plan is created for 1 week at a time, all clean eating, and water is my only beverage.

I have only ONE cheat day planned.  My daughters from another mother, Jeni and Crystal, are coming into town next week, and we are going to eat some fabulous California Burrito's together!  This has been pre-planned for a while now, so I am going to relish the cheat/treat, and enjoy their company!  I am excited about their visit... I'm looking forward to it very much.

Sleep is also imperative to my success.  I will be going to bed at 8 p.m., and the television will now go off at 10 p.m. (timer will be pre-set).  I don't really watch television during the day, because I am so busy with school and writing projects/assignments, that I don't have time for it.  Night time is when I like to unwind and watch a little television.  But it can keep me up until midnight, even 1 a.m. at times... so NO MORE of that!

Waking up early is also imperative for my success.  I am naturally an early riser, but I'd like to start getting up even earlier.  This will take some practice.  I'd like to get most of my training done before I start my day... and with the summer heat on it's way, this is the only time of day that I will be able to comfortably get it all done.  I have chronic migraines, so walking and training in the heat is a big no-no for me.  Screw all of those TV shows that have contestants working out in the blazing hot sun for 8 hours a day... that ain't me! =)  I'm not looking to end my training with a 3 day migraine.

My number 4 focus is to finally find a buddy who wants to physically train with me, and act as my support system.  I am usually the one doing the supporting, and I have come to the conclusion that I need to have a support system of my own in order to stay motivated and positive.  This will be difficult due to the early morning workout schedule I have created for myself, but it's not un-obtainable! 

I'm sure that some day, I will find someone with the same goals and interests that I have, that really wants to train with a partner.  I'm not talking about a romantic interest, Lol!  I'm already married!  I'm talking about a female training partner who wants to achieve similar goals that I do, who is ready to commit to a fit lifestyle, who I can count on and turn to in my times of self-doubt, lack of motivation, and trials.  Until then, It'll just be me and my dober-kids!  The best safety in the world!


Focus number 5 will be breakfast:  Pre-workout and Post-workout meals, specifically.  I am soooo not good at eating breakfast before 10 am.  It actually makes me nauseated to look at food before that time of day.  This must change!  The goal here is to eat an energizing pre-workout meal 30 minutes prior to my scheduled workout, and to follow up my workout with a protein-based meal or smoothie.  This means that instead of eating a sit-down breakfast (one large meal), I will be dividing breakfast up into 2 increments to support my energy and nutritional needs for my actual workout.

Sound confusing?  It's not.  I have pre-calculated my daily basic caloric needs in order to lose weight. My personal daily calorie goals (for now) are 1800 calories;  yours will be different from mine.  Next, I calculated how many calories I am allotted for each meal and snack (you can do this too!  A great calorie tool to utilize can be found at:  fitwatch.com/caloriespermealcalculator).

For 3 meals/2snacks daily, my calculations come up as 450 calories per meal and 225 calories per snack (Also translates to 50% healthy carbs, 30% lean protein, and 20% healthy fats).  This may sound like a lot, but remember:  I currently weight over 200 pounds, and to STAY the same weight, my calorie intake would need to be well over 2,000 calories per day!  Yikes!  In order to burn fat and lose weight, I have to factor in calories to deplete,  as well as the exercises need to burn off extra calories.  I will discuss this in another future post here.

Next,  I will take my allotted breakfast calories and divide by 2: 

           *450/2 =  225 calories per each pre & post workout breakfast  meal on training days

           *  Breakfast:  450 calories
               Snack 1:     250 calories
               Lunch:       450 calories
               Snack 2:     250 calories
               Dinner:      450 calories

The more weight I lose, I will have to re-calculate my calorie plan.  When you are at a smaller weight, you need less calories daily.  So for now, this will be my calorie target for each meal.  While in training, it is imperative that one must stick to calorie and fitness goals due to the energy and nutrients your body needs on a cellular level.  For life-long maintenance, you can be a little more flexible as long as you are consistent in keeping up with your healthy lifestyle.

Focus #6 will be to keep my soul and spirit filled with God.  I need Him in order to get through life.  Sound corny to you?  You should give God a try if you haven't found Him yet.  He can work miracles in your life that you never dreamed of.  Give all of your stressors to God... they are His to deal with.  Pray daily, pray consistently, and never forget to show and tell God how grateful you are to and for Him through Jesus Christ. I am re-committing my Sunday's to church services, worship, and work-free rest days.  I am re-committing EVERY day to spending time with God before, during, and after my health goals/training/work.  This is also imperative for my success.



And finally, focus #7 is to be focused on ME.  That's right, me. Myself. My mind, my soul, my spirit.  I need to take time for me.  Whether it's enjoying a hot cup of coffee in the wee-early morning hours before the rest of the world awakes, reading a mystery novel while soaking in a lavender scented hot bath, taking a stroll on the beach, or my absolute favorite thing:  playing with my granddaughters... it's absolutely imperative to make time for myself, and do the things that I love and enjoy doing.  Things that make me happy.  Things that keep me young.  Things that keep me going.

Each of my 7 main commitment focuses are crucial to my success, both through my training phase as well as through life.  We must have balance, and for me, these 7 focuses are the ways that I will find the balance that I need.  How do I know this?  Because I've trained before.  I've lost weight before.  I've eaten clean before.  I've set goals before.  I've suffered through injury before.  I've suffered through years of heartache, depression, and anxiety in the past.  I know what I need to do in order to be diligent and stay on track.

That's why a journey is never-ending.  Life is a journey.  We must learn from our mistakes, our set-backs, our successes, and even our tragedies.  I know what works for me, and God will take care of the rest... it's called trial and error.  My mind is alert, my heart is open, and my soul is on fire.  I can do this, I will achieve success, and I will run my way through this 5K... for my daughter, and for myself.  12 years ago, I thought I had died inside.  Today, I know I am alive.  And I have God through Jesus Christ to thank for that.

Let the training begin.  I am so grateful for this opportunity.  In your honor, and in your memory, Breanna Ray.  Mommy loves you to eternity and beyond.

~The Kaptain

      
*If you are interested in reading my articles about Obesity, please follow the link to my 'Obesity' website:
 http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art183587.asp
                                            

 

5K For A Cause

Good Morning, Blog-ees!

As of today, I will be training for a 5K here in San Diego that is near and dear to my heart!  That's 3.1 miles~ right up my alley!  Lol!   If I know you personally, then you already know all of the details =)  For protection & personal purposes, I have decided not to share the information publically about the 5K I have entered until AFTER the run is over.  It's best to err on the side of caution (or precaution!) when it comes to putting personal information out on the internet!  Thank you in advance for understanding!

My training will begin with a great book that I purchased a year ago, to which I have yet to utilize.  Lol!  It has been sitting on my shelf, without purpose... until now!  It's called "Run Your Butt Off" and I am looking forward to finally peeling open the pages... It even still smells new =)



The event I have entered can be completed via walking or running.  I'm going to give running a shot.  Yeah, yeah, I know.... I have terrible knees!  That being said, I plan to jog my way through training, and not running for speed.  After all, this is a fundraiser... not a contest, thank goodness.

So it's time to tighten up my clean eating, and get back to 90% clean foods, 90% of the time.  Back to water only as my beverage of choice.  Back to going to bed early, and waking early... I always arise early;  it's the going to bed early thing that is non-existent in my house.  Back to riding my bike instead of driving... walking everywhere when it's possible.  Even to purchase my groceries.



Weight training will continue, as well as cardio... however, I will be skipping "HIIT" type cardio and trading it in for non-injurious types of cardio, such as power walking, fast paced swimming, etc.  The last thing I need for my 5K is a knee injury that will keep me down.

Of course, I will be utilizing my new cell phone App called SHealth to record my walks, jogs, training, and food.  I will be posting the results here as often as I can.  It won't be every day, but I will try my hardest to post at least 3-4 times weekly up until the actual 5K.  Then I will post pictures and results of the 5K fundraiser!



Pray for me, and join in by committing to your own fitness training!  Gather some friends, take some walks, and share a clean meal once a week!  Have fun this summer, and be happy.  You only live once~  Do it right!

XOXOXO

Kymberly

Starting Over: My Year of Reflection, My Year of Change

My physical appearance hasn't changed much since this time last year.  All of my changes have taken place within.

Within my mind, my soul, and my heart.

I finally feel ready to peel off the crisp layers of disappointment, pain, and hurt that have consumed me since June 2013.  My interior is no longer rough, lost, or sad.  My exterior does not define who I am or what my journey is, or has been about over the past few years.  The definition of my life, my dreams, and my goals is so much bigger than physical appearance, fame, notoriety, money, or accomplishments.

So what are the lessons I've learned since June of 2013?  They are simple lessons with a huge impact:

1)  Never put anyone or anything on a pedestal.  God is the only being that belongs there.
2)  Never allow another person, place, or thing to define ME.
3)  Some people are only meant to be a part of my life for a brief moment. And that's okay.

This past year has strengthened me on so many different levels.  I am excelling in areas that I never even dreamed could be possibilities.  My career path has changed, and I am focused.  I had 2 additional health crisis' this past year, one acute and one chronic;  I consider them temporary set-backs and not FAILURES.



It's not about the weight loss. Sometimes, life happens, and goals need to be re-adjusted or changed completely.  My journey no longer has a time limit.  I no longer set unobtainable goals for myself.  I have come to realize and accept that I have major health issues that may prevent me from ever having the body that I once thought I wanted. I became so caught up in the ECD hype that I used to ambassador for, that I actually thought I wanted to be a stage competitor at one time!

I laugh at that because I allowed myself to become caught up in a moment, someone else's moment, and decided to make it my moment.  My moment to be a part of the movement, the excitement, the dream.  But it's not my dream.  It was Tosca Reno's dream.  I was caught up in her moment, and at the time, I wanted it for myself.  I faithfully followed her through her training process, and supported her through her competition.  She looked so amazing, I immediately wanted that 'win' for myself.

Not to take away her moment... but to create one for myself. 

I have no desire to be that person.  And I never really did.  Why was that dream so unattainable for me?  The truth is, because it's not really my dream. I never really wanted it. I just didn't know how to create my own.



I've figured it all out now.  The key is to just BE MYSELF. Do my best every day, even on the days that my health issues are all-consuming and have me in bed.  I take "me" days now, and I've learned how to relax my body, mind, and spirit.  Currently, I'm obtaining my Health Coach Certification and will be opening up my own Health and Wellness Coaching Business this fall!  Health Coaching takes all of my nursing knowledge/experience/certification and licensing, and rolls it all up into one big career of awesomeness!  The last time I was this excited about something, I was graduating from nursing school.



In addition to my new coaching endeavor, I created a new brand, called 'The Live-Clean Lifestyle,' where I focus on teaching people not only the importance of eating clean and healthy, but how to also live clean and healthy in every aspect of life.  The cleaner our lives are, the healthier we feel mentally, physically, and spiritually. 

I have no intention of becoming a huge public figure, famous person, or rich individual.  My only goal is to teach, and for others to share my teachings with their family and friends. Of course, I have to make a living from what I have chosen as my career... so I will have classes, books, and programs for purchase eventually.  However, The Live-Clean Lifestyle website will always be free knowledge to the public.  I encourage others to share the knowledge.  We can empower the world to encompass better living for better health.  I truly believe that.  I'm honored to have one of my buddies, Carrie Kennedy,  as a contributor to my new brand!  Carrie and I go way back to The Eat-Clean Diet days, and she is the winner of their '4th Annual ECD Makeover Challenge.'  Find us here:  thelive-cleanlifestyle.com



As for me, The Iron Pirate, I'm still a Pirate!  I'm still lifting Iron, working out, and living clean.  I have adapted new workout styles to benefit my injured knee issues, and it does seem to be getting stronger, with the occasional flair-up.  But it's all do-able!  I just keep pushing forward, one day at a time.  I still get cravings for crappy food or beverages, and like any other person, I do give in at times.  I have a new program on my cell phone that I utilize every day (S Health, on my Galaxy S5... it's amazing) that also has a built in pedometer and heart rate counter. So long, FitBit!  I no longer need your crappy services! But it was a good run!

With my hypothyroid issues, I'm not sure if I will ever reach my 100 pound weight loss goals.  I've accepted that, and I'm okay with any number on the scale that my body becomes comfortable at.  This isn't just a 'start here, finish there' type of journey.  This is a 'daily goal of optimal healthy living' journey.  I've embraced it, I've stuck with it, and I've been so blessed by all of the changes I have encountered, positive and negative.  Every change brings about a new season. 

And with that, I leave you with my next (soon to be published) endeavor:

"The Seasons of Living Clean" Book, coming this summer 2014.

I'll keep you posted! 

Live Clean, Live Healthy, Be Healed XOXO

~Kaptain Morgan, The Iron Pirate X0X thelive-cleanlifestyle.com

My Blog Sabatical

Wow.


I can't believe it's been almost 2 months since I've logged in here to blog.  I needed to take a break and re-assess my goals and thoughts.  I certainly didn't mean to be absent for such a long time!  My appologies, to anyone reading.  And thank you for your patience, to anyone who cares!

Life has been strange over the past few months.  So much has changed in my life. My thoughts about certain things have been reversed and revised, and new thoughts & realizations have taken front and center.  I've learned that it's not healthy to hold people to high expectations, because the only person that is responsible for my journey and my happiness is, of course, ME, and only me.

I've learned that my goals and paths will inevitably change, without caution.  I've learned that I am not as comfortable with "change" as I had once thought to be. I've learned that, in order to be a successful person, change is necessary~ and must be embraced.

Let me dive right in.

I no longer want to be a fitness competitor, or compete in any fitness shows.  It's really not something that I want.  I believe those goals were created due to "fascination" of the journey of others.  I have learned that competing is not my journey.  Helping people is my life's journey.  Writing is my true passion.  Cooking is my true passion.  Creating healthy recipes is my true passion.  My health is my true passion.  However, my family is my passion, first and foremost.


That being said, I am still on a fitness journey!  I still have fat to lose, and I still have muscle to gain. I still want to arm wrestle Dana Linn Bailey!  However,  I just don't have the need any longer to do it on stage, in a bikini. Don't get me wrong~  I love watching competition!

Did any of you recently watch The Olympia?  I was glued to the coverage all weekend, late into the night.  I simply just no longer have the desire to be any kind of fitness competitor, fitness model, or success story.  I just want to be FIT.  In my own house, and in my own skin.



I want to write.  I want to edit.  I want to photograph.  I want to illustrate.  I want to teach.  I want to help.  I want to change lives.  I want to make the world healthier.  I want to make a difference.  I want to leave my mark.  I want to grow, learn, live, and BE healthy.  I want to be Godly in every aspect of my life.  I want to enjoy my children and grandchildren and be in the best health that I possibly can.  I want to have occassional treats and cheats.  I want to have steak and wine a couple of times a month. I want a couple of peanut butter cups that are not 'clean.'  I want to go out to a nice Mexican Restaraunt every once in a while with my family, and not worry about the fried chips and tacos.

I need choices, not deprivation.  Too many "I can't have's" turn into "gimme, gimme, gimme's"!!!  It's all about BALANCE.  And my personal balance may be very different from your personal balance.  And guess what?  That's OKAY!  It's about PROGRESS; not PERFECTION.

There is no longer a time frame on my weightloss journey.  Here it is, one year after I started my "Iron Pirate" blog here, and I have done remarkably well.  I have not lost the 100 pounds that I set out to lose, but I am close!  I have made dramatic changes in my life.  I have been through trials and tribulations this past year.  I lost some very much loved family and friends over the summer, who are Resting In Paradise now... grief always seems to be a big part of my life.  But I've remained strong through it all, and can proudly say that I did not cave into my drug of choice (vanilla cake donuts with the pretty pastel sprinkles on top) to numb my pain.  I did not eat unhealthy foods like I used to.  I did not drink alcohol like I used to.

I've learned the difference between eating and drinking for fuel/energy/health and eating to fill a void, or eating refined, sugary, processed foods to numb the pain of life's negativities.


I do not want a life full of restrictions!  I have proven to myself, through very hard work, effort, and prayer, that I CAN have control over my eating disorder, and I CAN eat in moderation. I am not affraid of donuts any longer, nor am I tempted to "turn" to them in times of pain.  I no longer eat for emotional reasons.  I no longer drag through life not knowing why I'm here, or feeling "high" from the daily overdose of sugar and processed carbohydrates.  I am alive, I am healthier, and I am important.

And since I'm important, it's only fair to be REAL with myself.  I need to do what makes me happy, and not what others "expect" of me.  Over the past few months, I've been working on just that~  all of my dreams, goals, and passions.

I introduce to you, my new brand:  The Live-Clean Lifestyle and website!  I've been working so hard on combining everything I love into one place.  This is a perfect fit for me.  I share it with you in hopes that you will learn from the information that I provide, and that you will pass it along and share it with others.

I write from my own journey and experiences, and I will always give credit where credit is due~ for I did not find this journey on my own, nor did I invent it!  But I am living it... and I'm sharing it with all of you!

Come check us out here, at The Live-Clean Lifestyle Website.  You can submit e-mails with any questions or suggestions for feature articles/stories that you'd like to see posted.  Have a great story about the improved health of yourself or someone you love?  Submit it to us for a chance to be a featured story.  We have lot's of fantastic information at the LCL.  We are still in the construction phase, so there are some features that are not "live" yet.  We appreciate your patience while we build our brand.  We have so many fabulous new arrivals, I can't wait to share them with you guys!

Come check us out, and let us know what you think.  Happy Autumn, everyone!  Think, Eat, and Live Healthy!

~ Kymberly "Kaptain" Morgan

Happy Birthday in Heaven, My Princess!

It's your 25th Birthday, my Angel Princess! Mommy misses you so very, very much.  Happy Birthday, Beautiful!  Shine with the stars! XOXOX

Cooking for Kids Update, New Puppies, And Other Good Stuff....

I know, I know... it's been a while since I've blogged.  Summer seems to have gotten in the way of my normal routine.  It's time to wind things down a bit, and re-focus myself.  But I have been working on doing just that lately... re-focusing on my passions, priorities, and self-nurturing.  I'm suffering from a bit of Bronchitis right now, but I can still write!  So I decided to get busy this morning.

I've got a few new posts over at my 'Cooking for Kids' site at BellaOnline.  Whether you are need of healthy afters school snacks for the kiddos, quick and healthy dinner ideas, or yummy treats in general, my site forum is loaded with great ideas!  Please check them out, and tell me what you think of them!  You can even send me a private message over at BellaOnline with your suggestions or comments!  I look forward to hearing from you.


Our beautiful Dobie, Misty Blue, had her puppies this past Monday!  She had a large liter, but sadly, almost half of them were stillborn.  Although we were deeply saddened by the loss, we are so grateful for the care that our Vet gave to Misty and her new pups, and I can happily say that Misty and her 6 remaining babies are are healthy, happy, and thriving!  We are indeed blessed!  She is a great new mommy, and takes pride in caring for her mini-me's.



I also recently celebrated my 44th birthday. I was gifted with many awesome presents, but my favorite of all was the gathering that my daughter and son put together for me: Just us, family! It was so sweet! She always does such nice things for me. I love her so much! My husband cooked a delicious, beautiful Puertorican meal for me and surprised me with Jillian Michael's "Body Revolution" program! My daughter and granddaughters got me gift cards, a yummy carrot cake, some Italian food, and a huge bouquet of beautiful roses! Oh... and I got a See's Candy Butterscotch sucker, too! Lol! That made my day!! Another year older, another year wiser, and another year spent with my beautiful family! I am so grateful and so blessed.

 Latest News:  I've created my very own health and fitness brand! It's called, 'The Live-Clean Lifestyle,' and can be found at this link.  You can follow our Facebook Community, which is filled with awesome people, here at this link.  My new website goes live tomorrow, although you can still preview it today.  I hope you all love it!  I've been working very hard on it, and I bring it to you with lot's of love, devotion, hard work, honesty, and experience!  There are many people to thank in teaching me all that I have come to learn and practice. And you will all be thanked in a special way, in due-time!

I guess since I received Jillian Michael's Body Revolution program, it's now time to sit down, assess where I've come from, assess where I want to be, and create new fitness and clean eating goals.  It's time to crack the whip and get my body moving again~ with the passion, fierceness, and fire that I once had. I'm beginning to feel that Warrior-ness returning to my mind... Are you with me, guys?


My beautiful new granddaughter is crawling now! Can you believe it??? She is so adorable... and Breanna has become the BEST big sister EVER!!! My daughter Mellissa is such an awesome Mommy. I am so proud of her. She's been through so much in the past couple of years, but she is doing so good, and has come so far! I love my kids! And my grandkids! <3  Breanna has just started another new school year, and she is growing up so fast!  She's not my baby Princess anymore, she is now my big-girl Monster High lover! Lol! From Princess to Monsters, you gotta love her! She's the best! My son is doing great, working full time, and living life as the responsible and handsome adult I always knew he would be.  I love my family. They truely mean every thing to me <3

Okay, guys... it's time to get back on track with my weightloss goals, my clean eating journey, and my responsibilities.  Remember this:  JUST DO IT... AND DO IT CLEAN!

Always,
~The Kaptain XOXOXO

Identity Crisis, BE GONE!

I'ts been a while.

The past two months have been very trying for me.  I’ve been on a journey of self-exploration, goal evaluation, and questioning my mere calling in life, all while traveling a path of total resistance.  I seem to have been crippled by the disappearance of Tosca Reno and RKP. 

Up until this past June, my life had revolved around The Eat-Clean Diet as well as my Ambassador duties for Tosca and her amazing team.  There wasn’t a day that went by where I didn’t eat, breath, or speak of The Eat-Clean Diet.  Some of my happiest days occurred when I would open my mail box, and the newest editions of Oxygen and Clean Eating Magazines would fall into my hands.

Each and every morning, I would awake to the pretty much the same routine:  drinking my lemon water, eating a pre-workout meal of a complex carb and protein, spending about an hour lifting weights and getting my cardio-on, and checking in with the Kitchen Table on The Eat-Clean Diet Website while drinking my post-workout recovery smoothie.  I would check FB for Tosca’s blog post announcements, check Twitter for Tosca’s educational tweets, and write some form of inspirational post or new recipe for The Kitchen Table, Facebook, my personal Blog, or my website.

That has all changed now.  Robert Kennedy Publishing is gone.  Tosca is taking a much needed sabbatical.  The Eat-Clean Diet Team is quiet.  There is not much activity over on their website.  Tosca’s daily inspirational posts and pep talks are a thing of the past, yet I watch closely for her blog notifications, hoping and praying to see her back on the ECD any day now.

It’s been nearly two months.  My role model has taken a long and much needed break from social networking, and is trying to put her life back together.  I understand that. I fully support her.  I pray for her daily.  I miss her.  I miss The ECD.  I miss having direction and a sense of purpose every day.  I haven’t done so well on my own, with Tosca being absent.  It has led me to question many things in my life.

I’ve been told that I inspire many people daily.  I’ve been told that I am a terrific motivator, encourager, teacher, and advisor to many.  I’ve been thanked by many people for helping them through rough times, and helping to either keep them on track, or to get them back on track after a slip-up.  I’ve been told that I am such a giving and caring person, and that I have a lot to offer people.  I have been told that I am a strong and inspirational woman.  I’ve been told that I am organized, motivated, and focused.

Then why is it that I can’t seem to keep or stay motivated daily without Tosca?  Why do I not possess the strength to pick my self up and carry on?  How can it be that I have lost the motivation and focus to continue achieving my goals every day?  How can I not give to myself the very things that I am known to give others?  Why am I having trouble encouraging myself to go forward?  Why am I questioning my dreams, my goals, my wants, and my purpose?  Why has the closure of RKP set me so far back from where I was two months ago?  Why do I feel such a huge loss in my life? Why do I FEEL lost every day?

Perhaps I had taken my identity and put it into The Eat-Clean Diet.  Perhaps I believed that The Eat-Clean Diet defined me.  Perhaps I focused too much on The Eat-Clean Diet, and not enough on my personal thoughts, goals, wants, needs, and purpose in life?  Perhaps I became so reliant on The Eat-Clean Diet to get me through each day, that I lost sight of who I am without it.  Perhaps these last two months were meant for me to personally take a step back and re-evaluate my life.

That’s exactly what I have been doing:  evaluating, pondering and wandering, dreaming, questioning, re-prioritizing, avoiding, thinking, confronting, and working on myself.  I have continued to eat clean, lift weights, and get in my daily cardio. But it has been forced, and not embraced.  I have taken two vacations since June, and I still do not feel rested.  There have been outside trials and tribulations, endless family issues, visitors, and major life changes to face.  Normally, I can handle life stressors.  However, take my daily inspiration away from me, and apparently I fall apart.

I can’t blame Tosca for that!  If anything, I thank her.  Tosca’s absence has impacted me in a way that I never thought possible.  It caused me to face realities that I had no idea were even present.  Tosca’s absence has forced me to confront the reality that I have put my own identity in someone else’s hands.  I thought that I had my future all figured out, that I knew who I was, and that I finally had figured out what my purpose in life was. 

It took a life-changing catastrophe for someone else to open my own eyes about myself.  Tosca’s bankruptcy inadvertently became my personal bankruptcy.  I, too, became (emotionally) bankrupt because I had unknowingly and unintentionally placed my purpose and identity in someone else’s hands. 

I will always be an Ambassador for Tosca Reno and The Eat-Clean Diet.  I thank Tosca for giving me my life back.  She has taught me so much about food, health, my body, my mind, and the acceptance of my body no matter where I am at in my weight loss.  She has been such an inspiration to me for so long.  I had become dependant on her to get through each day.  Here I thought I was such a strong woman, but all along, I was relying on Tosca to provide my strength for me. 

Tosca is not responsible for me.  Nor is she responsible for my journey, my goals, or my success.  Neither are RKP, Oxygen Magazine, Clean Eating Magazine, or The Eat-Clean Diet.  They do not “define” me.  Only I can choose how my success is defined.  I can only be “myself.”  I must learn to rely on myself for encouragement, motivation, and success.  I am so much more then my weight.  I am so much more then a goal.  I am so much more then a dream.  I am so much more then a program, or a success story, or a writer and editor.

I am a woman of God. I am a Mom.  I am a Grandma.  These life roles are what truly define me. Without these three roles, I am nothing. I am so blessed that God has taken this opportunity to open my eyes and guide me down the path I am supposed to be on.  I no longer feel lost.  I feel calm now.  I feel peaceful.  I am ready to continue with my journey.

 I will be here for Tosca when she is ready to return.  I will be able to give so much more of myself in a healthier way, now that I know where my true value lies and what my role in life consists of.  I can’t wait to see what the future holds.  I have a shiny new perspective and am slowly getting my motivation back.  I am taking care of myself, and I am dreaming new dreams and setting new goals.

So much has changed over the past couple of months.  It’s been a scary ride, but today, I am grateful for the travels.  I encountered many forks in the road, but I believe I am on the right path again.  I am going to sleep with a smile on my face tonight, and for the first time in a long, long while, I am actually excited to wake up tomorrow morning, and work out in my own home gym.  Tosca is still not fluently active on social networks yet, but she is present.  And that is enough for me. I’m still praying for her, and awaiting her return to The Eat-Clean Diet.  Until then, I am good with my life.

As Always,

Eat Clean, Train Mean, and LIVE LEAN!

~Kymberly “Kaptain” Morgan